Too Old

I’ve recently realized that I have – on some level – been making decisions based on the belief that I am “too old.” I know, I know… I can just see your eyes rolling. At the age of 23 I do understand that I am still very young. I most likely have many years of life ahead of me and I still have a lot of opportunities. But, somewhere, on my way to this stage in my life, I picked up these ideas about which opportunities I have passed up (never to encounter again) and where I “should” be in life by now. Two of the biggest examples of this (the ones that have affected me the most) are these:

  • I’m supposed to get married in my ¬†early-to-mid-20’s and therefore should already be in a serious relationship that is heading in that direction.
  • Continuing my education, other than just getting some kind of certification, is out of the question because I’m too old. Most of my peers already have their Bachelor’s Degree or beyond at my age. All I can do now is work.

I didn’t really realize for a long time that I had been actually thinking those things. And, honestly, typing those thoughts out, knowing that people will read them is kind of embarrassing. But, I feel like this kind of thinking is quite common. We have these ideas of where we should be and what we should be doing once we’ve reached certain ages and when we pass those ages, we think we’ve missed something. We think it’s too late.

This wrong thinking (along with a few other things) greatly contributed to a sort of “waiting around,” kind of lifestyle that I’ve found myself in during the last couple of years. I lived believing that the next step in my life was to become a wife and mother and I was just trying to “sit tight” until the right guy came along. I lived a life forbidding myself to have any ambition or dreams as a single woman, thinking that my every step should be toward being a good wife and I should aim to rid myself of this “single” status [Now, don’t get me wrong, I absolutely believe that fulfilling the roles of wife and mother would be a tremendous blessing and those roles are such high callings from God. These are roles that I wish were more valued and appreciated in our society. But there is something very wrong with putting time limits (or age limits) on these things. And there is something even more wrong with living a life solely focused on those roles]. I had set my vision of the future on this rigid path and would not allow myself to look around at other paths that might actually be a better way for me. And so I stifled those desires, that drive to do something more, without looking to see if pursuing those things might actually be the best road for my life. It made me much more willing to settle, which is almost never a good thing.

I’ve found that we operate on these arbitrary standards based (most likely) on the “average” or what we see most around us. I think we forget that reality is more complicated than that. Life doesn’t happen the same way for everyone and I don’t really understand why that would be considered a bad thing. Can we really say that Person A has a better life or better life circumstances than Person B, because Person A got married at 25, while person B got married at 45? Or because Person A finished school at 22 while Person B finished at 29? I think that most people would acknowledge the absurdity of that thinking, but we still often live with that kind of mindset. There is no magic number. There isn’t even a magic formula (you can live a content and happy life without a degree or a spouse, too!). Everyone’s life story is different and I think there is something astoundingly beautiful and interesting about that.

[Life update for those who are interested: due to this and a few other “revelations” so-to-speak and after much thought and prayer, I have come to the decision to go back to school to get my Bachelor’s Degree. It’s very scary for me, but I’m pretty excited about it! It’s going to take a while, but I think I am at a good place in my life to do this. I have much more ambition than I had before. I’m hoping to major in Linguistics – though, I might have to start out majoring in English due to some complications – and minor in Asian Studies with a focus in Korean ūüôā There are so many possibilities for the future and I am excited to get started!]

I may be procrastinating…

I’m . . . back?

So . . . this is awkward. My last blog post was posted three months shy of a full year ago. A lot can happen in that amount of time. Unfortunately, I somehow managed to decide that none of that was worth blogging about. And now I am out of practice. Let me clarify: 1. There were many blog-worthy events that have happened during this silent era and 2. I have been writing, just not blogging . . . there is a difference.

I’m wondering if anyone is going to read this, since it has been so long, and everyone who read it before probably suspects that this page is cold and buried. I do miss doing this and really want to start doing it again more regularly, but I need to get back into the swing of things. So this is sort of a test run for me to see if I can still do this style of writing.

Goodness, this must be a boring read. I apologize. You have my permission to fix your attentions elsewhere. Perhaps you are waiting to hear back from a friend on Facebook, or you’re wondering if the Vlogbrothers have posted a new video on Youtube today. Go right ahead. Click away, this is merely a practice post. I’ll think of something more interesting to talk about next time. Perhaps tomorrow. No . . . I’ll be finishing the homework that I’m supposed to be doing right now.

Speaking of homework . . . That is probably the main contributing factor to my absence here. Especially this semester. I am taking a Creative Writing: Creative Non-Fiction class. I have been reading a lot and working on a piece for this class. I am writing a memoir-style short story. I am estimating that it will be 15 to 20 pages long. That seemed daunting at first, but the more I get into it, the more it seems that it might actually be longer.
I’m not really sure if I’m actually enjoying writing it. Not that I’m hating it, or anything. It’s just . . . difficult. I’m writing about the experience of losing my mom. I’ve told the story to various people before, so I thought it wouldn’t be that hard. But it is. It most certainly is. I’m hitting so many road blocks that I can’t really imagine reaching my destination anymore. I will, but it’s not going to be easy. It’s a hard place to revisit and my memory has been failing me in certain areas where my story is begging for details. I have to be vigilant in my constant struggle against explaining my emotions and coming off as whiney and pathetic. I definitely think that this class is growing me as a writer. There are so many things that I didn’t even take into account before. Like showing rather than telling and trusting my audience.
I have to keep reminding myself why I am writing this story. It is not necessarily for sympathy. I am writing it because I sort of need to write it. I’ve gotten it out verbally, now I need to get it out textually. I understand my thoughts and memories better when I have written them out. I am writing this story because I don’t want the pictures to fade as they are already. I am writing this story because revisiting the sight reminds me of the things that I have learned. I am writing this story because it could possibly have a positive affect on someone else . . . not that I’m necessarily going to let everyone read it ūüėõ . ¬†But anyway, I’m not sure if this is a story that needs to be told or needs to be heard (or read) but I am compelled to write it nonetheless.

So, anyway, that was a little glimpse of what my mind has been going through over the past few months. I hope it was slightly interesting to read. If you’ve read this far, thanks for sticking with it ūüėõ . As mentioned before, I’m just trying to get back into this because I miss it. ¬† ¬† . . . also, I was having trouble with my homework and needed a break ūüôā .

Hopefully I’ll keep at this.

Why, Hello Again

I don’t really have a plan for this post. I just feel like I hardly ever post new blogs anymore. I used to put them up at least once a week, but now, I think I’ve either run out of things to say, or I’ve lost confidence in my ability to write. I think it’s mostly the second one. I probably am not so sure of my writing anymore because I spend less time reading than I used to. I don’t have as much free time to do so, and when I do have free time I spend it doing other things. More often than not “other things” includes, wasting a lot of time on YouTube. I used to spend my free time either reading a book, writing, spending time with friends or watching television, but now I spend a considerable amount of my time watching new videos from my favorite YouTube channels. Pathetic. Waste. Of. Time. Don’t get me wrong, there are many brilliant and entertaining things on YouTube, but I just don’t think it is very good for someone, such as myself, to spend such a large amount of time on it. But alas, I’ve become addicted. I sign in to YouTube at least three times a day to check if any of the people I am subscribed to have posted a new video. I currently am subscribed to about 52 different channels and I now join in a collaboration channel with some of my friends (no, I will not give you a link to it because, frankly, I am¬†embraced¬†of my lack of speaking skill, or any ability to be interesting…it’s a wonder anybody reads these blogs). There is, however, an upside to my¬†compulsive¬†YouTube-video-watching, I am learning about people (not just specific people, but people in general). It is interesting to see other people’s points of view and how different they are. It is interesting to see what people outside of America think about certain issues. It’s a bit refreshing to look at things from different perspectives.
¬†¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†But anyway, I guess now I’ll tell you how school is going. That seems to be one of the first things that people ask me about whenever I talk to them. How’s school? Well, it’s going good. This semester is¬†definitely¬†better than last semester. I find all of the subjects that I’m taking to be very interesting and I am learning a lot. It’s also nice that this semester I actually have friends in my classes; It does really make a difference to have friends there. My only complaint about school right now is the reading. Oh the reading! So very much reading! Now, most people are aware that I love to read, but I love to read novels, not textbooks. It is so hard for me to just sit down and read a textbook. Many times I find myself sitting down to read my textbook then a novel catches my eye. “Andrea…” it seems to whisper, “why waste your time with that boring textbook when you could be reading¬†something¬†entertaining.” Seriously. More often than not, I give in the the novel’s tempting whispers and end up not being prepared for class. Go figure. Maybe I should lock up my novels until the end of the semester. Oh, but then I’d lose my sanity!

¬†¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† [That second paragraph seems to somewhat contradict the first one….oh well. You can figure it out.]

¬†¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† There was another thing I wanted to talk about: spring break. Yes, spring break is coming up next month. That wonderful week where I normally just relax and pretend that it’s summer. This time, I’m going to be going up to northern California to visit with some family. I will be riding on a plane by myself! Well…there will be other passengers of course, but by myself in the sense that nobody I know is traveling with me. I’m not afraid of flying (I’ve flown before) so I’m actually rather excited. Then I will get to stay with my aunt and uncle and visit with my cousins. It’s been so long since I’ve actually gone up there, They are normally the ones to travel down here. So, that’s exciting ūüôā

Well, I’m pretty sure that’s all I have to say for now. I just thought I’d type out another blog. I forgot how much I enjoyed it. Plus it’s nice to communicate in some way, as my mouth is really numb at the moment (I just got back from the dentist) and I can’t really talk without sounding like I have some sort of speech impediment. I’m so hungry but I can’t eat! AAAAHHHHH!!! Okay, I’m done now.¬†

Until next time. ūüôā

No Vember

I realize that I haven’t posted a blog in quite a while. I’ve been slacking in my journal writing as well. I just spent some time today writing about four pages of what’s been going on this month in my journal. So I figured I should take some time to blog as well. It is pretty relaxing.¬†

Hmm…where to start. Well I didn’t get very far in my NaNoWriMo novel, I’ve only written about 3,400 words. I’ve been a bit too busy to write. But what I have written I’ve enjoyed and I still plan on finishing the novel. I’m actually pretty excited about it. I’ve had the idea for it in my mind for quite some time and it’s nice to finally do something with it and see it come to life. A few of my friends have read what I’ve written so far and they really liked it and want to read more, so that makes me feel pretty good. I didn’t expect to write something that anyone would really like. Maybe I will be a successful novelist some day.

This month has been hard for me. I’ve been missing my mother like crazy. It was weird not to have her here for thanksgiving. It will be weird to not have her here for christmas. This year, it will be just me and my dad for christmas. And I won’t even be at home either because my dad is working on christmas day so I’m going with him to the fire station and driving back by myself that night. It’s going to be very emotional. But I guess I have to start getting used to the absence of my mother. I’m still not used to it after 6 months. It’s still strange, I can still feel the hole. The lack of something wonderful. The lack of an intense¬†love and care. Because nobody can possibly love me like my mother did.¬†

I was filling out my new¬†calendar¬†for 2009, and it made me a bit sad. Writing in all the special days that my mother will be absent for. Realizing that I will never again make her a birthday card, mother’s day card, or christmas card. I also realized that my mom died about 5 days before mother’s day. That was slightly distressing.¬†

Okay, enough with the sad stuff…I’ve been going to a lot of hockey games this month. It’s been really fun. My dad has season tickets for the Ontario Reign and we have really good seats…like four rows from the glass…yes, be jealous haha. It’s really awesome.¬†

My friend Jennifer and I went to see my favorite band, The Decemberists, the other day. It was amazing to say the least. There is something about seeing a band live that just intensifies my love and appreciation of¬†their¬†music. It’s such a beautiful thing to see musicians creating masterpieces right in front of you, in the very room you stand in.¬†

My first semester of college is coming to a stressful end. finals are coming up, and papers are due soon. So I’ve been stressing about that lately. But I think I’ll do alright, it’s really just a matter of sitting down and really¬†concentrating…that’s just been a little difficult lately. I plan on taking easier classes next semester.

I finished my Christmas shopping. What a relief. I was worried for a while that I’d have to take some money out of my savings to buy christmas presents. But I ended up having enough. My employer hasn’t been working me very much lately so I’ve been pretty broke. I’ve been driving my brother’s car too because we still haven’t found another one for me since the accident. My brother’s car is such a gas hog so, thankfully, my dad has been helping me out with gas. But I feel bad when he helps me with money. I want to be able to afford everything myself. I want to grow up and learn to be an adult. But I guess that will be easier when I get paid more. I’m looking for another job. I’m not sure if I want to quit my old one and just have one new job, or to just add a new job, and still work for my old job as well since they hardly work me anyway. But I don’t know if it would be worth it or not. Next semester I will have a better school schedule, so it might be easier to manage a schedule. But anyway, this is all very boring.¬†

I hope you all had a nice month. Get your christmas shopping done! You will feel better!

Thanks for taking an interest in my blog.