Home is not a place. Home is a feeling.
I’ve heard the phrase, “home is where the heart is” all my life, but I didn’t really internalize it until I went through a series of changes that forced me to adjust to new normals and new places of living, over and over again. I always thought of home as just the place where my stuff was, where I slept, where I showered. Home was just the place I left from and returned to more often than anywhere else. When that physical place of home became more and more inconsistent, I had to revisit and reconstruct my idea of what ‘home’ really means.
It’s weird to hear other students living on campus talking about “going home for the weekend.” It throws me off because this is home for me. This is where I live right now; this is the only place I live right now. There is no ‘home’ for me to go back to over the weekend or over winter break. There is no bedroom with my furniture set up, waiting for my return. If I’m not staying here, I am a guest in someone else’s home. I can see that my life is made up of frequent adjustments to my ever-changing normal. My ever-changing sense of home. And I’ve gotten good at it. Adjusting. Making a place feel like home instantly because I need it to be home for me. Holding loosely to things and to my station, knowing it can be easily lost or changed at any moment. I never thought my life would be like this and I certainly never imagined I’d like it so much.
The more unstable my physical place of residence is, the more I see that home is something I can take with me. Something I must take with me – must create for myself – if I want to stay sane. Home is wherever I choose for it to be. Home is that feeling of belonging, that comfort and security of knowing where you are and not ever needing to ask or answer the question of why you are there. That feeling of home can be in a number of physical spaces. When I visit those little places I used to go with my mom, I’m home. When I’m having dinner at my Dad and Stepmom’s house, enjoying the sounds of my wonderfully woven-together family, I’m home. When I am curled up next to my boyfriend, watching documentaries or silly comedies, I’m home. When I’m outside and the sky is covered in clouds, but the birds are still chirping, I’m home. When I’m sitting in my dorm room, in this most temporary of living spaces, remembering how far I’ve come, how far the Lord has taken me, I’m home. Home is everywhere and nowhere. Home is where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m going. Home is where I think it is.
I started the new semester this week. So far it looks like it will be an interesting semester. Hopefully it won’t be too stressful for me. Two of my classes look like they will be a lot of work and I’ll need to be very disciplined to keep up. I’m taking Cultural Geography, U.S. History, Music Appreciation, and Eastern Philosophy. The two that seem more difficult are the cultural geography and eastern philosophy classes. But luckily both of those class are things that I really want to learn about and am actually quite excited about. The other two classes will be pretty laid back. I think I’ll be extremely busy this semester. I hope I’ll still have time to work on my novel. I need to try not to put that before my school work, though. I hope this semester goes a lot better than last semester did.
I don’t really have much to say right now. I’m kind of out of it right now because I’ve been doing homework for most of the day. I’m in an extremely quiet, calm mood right now.
Oh! I don’t think I mentioned on here, I got a new car (well, new to me, it’s used). It’s a 1998 Accord and it’s in really good condition (I named it Captain Accordion). It’s better than my Altima was, so I guess the accident turned out to be a good thing. I actually got the car on my mom’s birthday (Jan. 5) so that’s kind of weird. On that day we just had all the family get together in remembrance of her. We had a cake and sang happy birthday, which seemed odd to me…age no longer exists where she is. After we spent time with the family, my dad and I just hung out together for the rest of the day and I got my car that night. My dad said that she would have liked that I got a car on her birthday. We bought some really colorful flowers to put by her urn. I got a picture of her in a really nice frame for christmas so now that’s up by her urn too, it looks like a little memorial for her. It’s taken me a while, but I am really realizing that God is taking care of me through all of this. I am starting to get a glimpse of how much He loves me.
So far this year I’m already learning a lot. I think that this year will contain just as much change as last year. And hopefully with less heartache.
I’ve decided to try to post a new blog every friday….I’m not sure if I will be able to keep that commitment but I can certainly try.
So anyway. This week has been an exciting one. On Monday, I took my drive test. Honestly, right after my test, while the instructor was looking at her clip board and figuring out my score, I was almost certain that I had failed. I won’t go into detail about why I believed I had failed because, frankly I’m embarrassed. But anyway, I did pass.
Later that day I went in to the place that I had previously been offered a job at and was pretty much hired on the spot. I started my new job on tuesday and things went really well. Everything I do at this job is easy, just very time consuming and slightly annoying, but not too bad. And I get along with the people I work with quite well.
Tuesday night, I came home to an empty house. I called my dad to figure out where he was and he said he would be home in an hour and he was bringing something home for me that he knew I would like. I knew he was planning on going to look for a car that day, so I was almost positive he was bringing home a car for me(plus I know my father well, he would do something like that). Well he brought home a 1999 Nissan Altima in great condition…I love this car, it is wonderful. Of course, I will have to pay him back for it eventually, but he isn’t going to make me pay as much as he paid for it which is very generous of him :).
So things are going pretty well for me this week. I haven’t been as emotional, and I have been feeling better about myself due to this sudden burst of independence.
Hello responsibility. Its nice to meet you.